Undercover in Hervey Bay
Do you remember the Gold Coast of the 1960s?
No, I don't either, but the place has a reputation.
A time when you could throw the boards on the Kombi, and head off to a paradise of waves, weed and wenches.
Truth be told, the white shoe brigade already had a foot wedged in the door by 1970, and crappy high rise flats were starting to pop up everywhere.
These days, the Gold Coast has all the charm of a Kardashian sex tape. If you're looking for the genuine Queensland beach idyll, then you'll need to head north.
The Sunshine Coast is an obvious alternative, however much of it is starting to look like a mini-Gold Coast, just more expensive.
More on that in another blog post, but today, I want to talk about Hervey Bay.
There's no surf in Hervey Bay - it's sheltered by Fraser Island, so don't expect any waves bigger than six inches.
That's not why people come here.
Actually, that's something I've long wondered ... why do people come here?
So I went undercover to find out.
The Toyota 4WD would look out of place here, so I ditched it in favour of something more acceptable to the local migratory population.
Gonads (Grey Nomads) seem to favour outrageously sized camper vans, so I snared the largest one I could find, and set out to investigate the eating, sleeping and mating habits of the over 60s.
But first, a comment on mobility scooters.
It's not those with a disability who favour these in Hervey Bay. It's anybody aged over 40, and morbidly obese.
These people don't fuck around. White knuckles gripping the steering wheel, they drive at speeds that makes you think there must be a prize for the fastest trip between the RSL and happy hour at the local Irish pub. Actually, there probably is.
As an aside, the Irish pub isn't very Irish (our bar attendant was from New Zealand), and I doubt schooners of Carlton Draught cost $6.50 in Ireland).
If you're a cyclist or walker, don't even think about using the bike path. It's like the Isle of Man TT, just with scooters. They will mow you don't without blinking (or stopping).
We arrived on Thursday, which meant it was $5 pensioner parmie night at the RSL. For miles approaching Hervey Bay, there giant billboards featuring attractive young people having fun at the RSL.
When we got there at 4.15pm (Gonads like to eat early, because bedtime is 7pm) there was no sign of attractive young people. Just sad old pensioners queuing up to feed money into the bloody poker machines.
I won't frequent a place with pokies. My choice I suppose, but experience tells me the food is usually as bad as the social consequences of problem gambling.
So we ditched plans to hang out the with Gonads, and headed north.
To be fair, Hervey Bay is a nice place. It has a mild climate (by Queensland standards) and everything you need in a modern city of 50,000. Like Woolworths, Bunnings and Centrelink. In other words, it's the same as every other regional city in Australia, except warmer. Although I once saw somebody catch a hammerhead shark from the pier with a handline, and I guess that doesn't happen in Bathurst.
A couple of hours north of Hervey Bay is Bargara, an aboriginal word meaning 'place that's way better than Hervey Bay'. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.
No, I don't either, but the place has a reputation.
A time when you could throw the boards on the Kombi, and head off to a paradise of waves, weed and wenches.
Truth be told, the white shoe brigade already had a foot wedged in the door by 1970, and crappy high rise flats were starting to pop up everywhere.
These days, the Gold Coast has all the charm of a Kardashian sex tape. If you're looking for the genuine Queensland beach idyll, then you'll need to head north.
The Sunshine Coast is an obvious alternative, however much of it is starting to look like a mini-Gold Coast, just more expensive.
More on that in another blog post, but today, I want to talk about Hervey Bay.
There's no surf in Hervey Bay - it's sheltered by Fraser Island, so don't expect any waves bigger than six inches.
That's not why people come here.
Actually, that's something I've long wondered ... why do people come here?
So I went undercover to find out.
The Toyota 4WD would look out of place here, so I ditched it in favour of something more acceptable to the local migratory population.
Gonads (Grey Nomads) seem to favour outrageously sized camper vans, so I snared the largest one I could find, and set out to investigate the eating, sleeping and mating habits of the over 60s.
But first, a comment on mobility scooters.
It's not those with a disability who favour these in Hervey Bay. It's anybody aged over 40, and morbidly obese.
These people don't fuck around. White knuckles gripping the steering wheel, they drive at speeds that makes you think there must be a prize for the fastest trip between the RSL and happy hour at the local Irish pub. Actually, there probably is.
As an aside, the Irish pub isn't very Irish (our bar attendant was from New Zealand), and I doubt schooners of Carlton Draught cost $6.50 in Ireland).
If you're a cyclist or walker, don't even think about using the bike path. It's like the Isle of Man TT, just with scooters. They will mow you don't without blinking (or stopping).
We arrived on Thursday, which meant it was $5 pensioner parmie night at the RSL. For miles approaching Hervey Bay, there giant billboards featuring attractive young people having fun at the RSL.
When we got there at 4.15pm (Gonads like to eat early, because bedtime is 7pm) there was no sign of attractive young people. Just sad old pensioners queuing up to feed money into the bloody poker machines.
I won't frequent a place with pokies. My choice I suppose, but experience tells me the food is usually as bad as the social consequences of problem gambling.
So we ditched plans to hang out the with Gonads, and headed north.
To be fair, Hervey Bay is a nice place. It has a mild climate (by Queensland standards) and everything you need in a modern city of 50,000. Like Woolworths, Bunnings and Centrelink. In other words, it's the same as every other regional city in Australia, except warmer. Although I once saw somebody catch a hammerhead shark from the pier with a handline, and I guess that doesn't happen in Bathurst.
A couple of hours north of Hervey Bay is Bargara, an aboriginal word meaning 'place that's way better than Hervey Bay'. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.
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| Bargara main beach. Note the lack of mobility scooters. |
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