Dad, are we there yet?
Ever thought about taking the squids on a long road trip?
Here's my advice: Forget it.
They won't enjoy it, and there's a chance their constant bickering and squabbling will ruin what could have been a great holiday.
Instead, send them to the grandparents.
The olds will love seeing the little ones, and after four or six weeks, the kids will begin to understand what you mean when you carry on about your difficult childhood.
I'll admit I've dragged my youngest child along with me this time, but he's 19, and spends most of his waking hours scrolling through Tindr or Grindr or whatever mating app young people use these days.
When he starts whining, I just give him $10 phone credit and a Red Bull, and he's fine for another 12 hours.
So does it get monotonous on the really long drives?
In truth, yes.
Particularly in Queensland, where you can drive for 300km between towns, and after a while, the cows all look the same.
To combat that, some wit in the road traffic authority has devised a series of road signs.
First, there's the 'Are we there yet?' campaign.
What troubles me is the second campaign, with signs saying 'Trivia can keep you alert on the long trips.'
That might be true, but the first question we came across was 'Who is the Bruce Highway named after?'
Look, I know these signs are aimed at people from Far North Queensland, but still - that's not trivia. The answer's not likely to be Kevin, is it?
In the Northern Territory, it's totally different.
Even if you're driving 1,000 km in a day, the landscape is absorbing. Mesmerising even.
I'm not a good enough writer to give it the credit it deserves. But the light, the colour and the subtle changes in terrain make it an extraordinary place to visit. The spectacle of an outback sunset alone will stay with you forever.
I've said it before - visit the NT. Soon.
As a bonus, there's the termite mounds.
From Darwin stretching more than 2,000 km south, they are the most consistent feature on the roadside.
A few years ago, somebody decided they needed dressing up.
Now, adorned mounds number in the thousands. Perhaps even tens of thousands.
Everything from cast-off t shirts to full Dark Vader regalia are on show.
Just shy of Tennant Creek, we spotted one sporting a Niqab, which proves Pauline Hanson is right - the Halal virus has migrated way beyond Western Sydney, and jumped state borders.
Tomorrow, I'll bring you a proper travel story - Queensland's best beaches. Including one you can camp on for zilch.
Here's my advice: Forget it.
They won't enjoy it, and there's a chance their constant bickering and squabbling will ruin what could have been a great holiday.
 |
| These signs appear regularly on the Bruce Highway between Mackay and Townsville. Because there's no sign of a McDonalds, the obvious answer is 'no' |
Instead, send them to the grandparents.
The olds will love seeing the little ones, and after four or six weeks, the kids will begin to understand what you mean when you carry on about your difficult childhood.
I'll admit I've dragged my youngest child along with me this time, but he's 19, and spends most of his waking hours scrolling through Tindr or Grindr or whatever mating app young people use these days.
When he starts whining, I just give him $10 phone credit and a Red Bull, and he's fine for another 12 hours.
So does it get monotonous on the really long drives?
In truth, yes.
Particularly in Queensland, where you can drive for 300km between towns, and after a while, the cows all look the same.
To combat that, some wit in the road traffic authority has devised a series of road signs.
First, there's the 'Are we there yet?' campaign.
What troubles me is the second campaign, with signs saying 'Trivia can keep you alert on the long trips.'
That might be true, but the first question we came across was 'Who is the Bruce Highway named after?'
Look, I know these signs are aimed at people from Far North Queensland, but still - that's not trivia. The answer's not likely to be Kevin, is it?
In the Northern Territory, it's totally different.
Even if you're driving 1,000 km in a day, the landscape is absorbing. Mesmerising even.
I'm not a good enough writer to give it the credit it deserves. But the light, the colour and the subtle changes in terrain make it an extraordinary place to visit. The spectacle of an outback sunset alone will stay with you forever.
I've said it before - visit the NT. Soon.
As a bonus, there's the termite mounds.
From Darwin stretching more than 2,000 km south, they are the most consistent feature on the roadside.
A few years ago, somebody decided they needed dressing up.
Now, adorned mounds number in the thousands. Perhaps even tens of thousands.
Everything from cast-off t shirts to full Dark Vader regalia are on show.
Just shy of Tennant Creek, we spotted one sporting a Niqab, which proves Pauline Hanson is right - the Halal virus has migrated way beyond Western Sydney, and jumped state borders.
Tomorrow, I'll bring you a proper travel story - Queensland's best beaches. Including one you can camp on for zilch.
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