Around Australia by Schooner

I'll admit it, I'm a food snob. That doesn't mean I'm a precious, gluten-free, organic food obsessive. It just means I like my food like I prefer my women - not too salty, and ideally, not stuffed full of chemicals. With our plans to catch a medium-sized crocodile to feed us for the entire trip harpooned (the snappers are everywhere, so why are they a protected species?) it was time for Plan B. Which meant foraging for food in the outback. We named this one 'Mr Happy'.  In a case of misleading nomenclature, we found him in the West Alligator River Truth be told, I had come prepared with some of our own supplies.  In the Toyota Tank was a 40 litre fridge, which even after swallowing a case of Carlton Draught left plenty of room for food. So I stocked up on healthy snacks and fresh fruit.  Sadly, my co-traveller (when not bleating about the heat) hogged the lot before we'd even reached the outskirts of Katherine. Which left us reliant on th...

Fifteen years ago, I went head to head with a shark.  Sort of. I mean I came close to one. I was diving for abalone in Fortescue Bay in Tasmania's South East. It was a smallish shark, five or six feet perhaps. I don't care.  I was shit scared.  I floundered back to the boat ramp, threw my gear in the Pajero, and put my diving equipment on eBay. I hadn't been back in the water since.  Until Monday. This time, it wasn't sharks I had to keep an eye out for.  It was crocodiles - both kinds (saltwater and freshwater). Did I care?  No. That's because this was the nicest place to get wet I've ever been lucky enough to stumble across. Litchfield National Park was our first stopover on the Darwin to Brisbane jaunt.  It wasn't on the original itinerary, however thanks to input from the local brains trust, we made a detour. Kakadu gets all the kudos (and visitors), leaving Litchfield largely for the locals (nice alliteration -ed.). Florenc...

Here it is:  the best way known to join the army of oldies clogging up our highways. 1.  Go shopping.  Find the largest motorhome or caravan you think you could drive and/or back into a tight parking space, then go for the next size up. 2.  Tell all your friends you're off to 'do Australia', then head straight for Hervey Bay.  Stay there for at least six months. 3.  When you're on the road, stay below 60 km/h, even if the limit is 130 km/h.  It's safer that way. Better still, travel in convoy with at least six other Grey Nomads (from now on, I'm calling them Gonads to save typing). Tip:  for extra authenticity, consider changing your names to Brian and Pam. Actually, most Gonads are lovely people.  I count a number of Gonads amongst my closest friends. Then there are people like Brian from Shepparton, who I met last year at a remote campsite.  The Gonads had circled their Winnebago wagons blocking access to the river, so we r...