Around Australia by Schooner

Here it is:  the best way known to join the army of oldies clogging up our highways. 1.  Go shopping.  Find the largest motorhome or caravan you think you could drive and/or back into a tight parking space, then go for the next size up. 2.  Tell all your friends you're off to 'do Australia', then head straight for Hervey Bay.  Stay there for at least six months. 3.  When you're on the road, stay below 60 km/h, even if the limit is 130 km/h.  It's safer that way. Better still, travel in convoy with at least six other Grey Nomads (from now on, I'm calling them Gonads to save typing). Tip:  for extra authenticity, consider changing your names to Brian and Pam. Actually, most Gonads are lovely people.  I count a number of Gonads amongst my closest friends. Then there are people like Brian from Shepparton, who I met last year at a remote campsite.  The Gonads had circled their Winnebago wagons blocking access to the river, so we r...

According Paul Keating, the best way to see Darwin is from 35,000 feet on the way to Paris. I've had a man crush on Keating ever since he called John Howard a slithering maggot, so I thought I'd see if he was right. From what I'd heard, Darwin was full of yobbos and shirtless, shouting drunks.  Not to mention child-eating crocodiles. A bit like Lonely Planet's take on Launceston, except Launceston makes do with monkeys in place of the crocodiles (more on that later). As my Virgin flight (suggested advertising slogan: 'Better than Jetstar') circled the city, I had to concede Keating might be on the money. The ocean, a muddy yellow/green, looked unappealing.  The dirt was red. The trees; stunted and twisted. Not to mention I'd heard Darwin Harbour is full of sharks, crocodiles, stingers, jellyfish, and probably unexploded armaments from the Second World War. To ease in to the local experience, the Darwin Hotel (schooner of Carlton Draught: $6.70)...

Ever wondered who writes most travel stories? I'll tell you. It's journalists who've been given a freebie. Whether it's a week on the Gold Coast or a boat cruise in the Whitsundays, offer it to a journo, and they'll jump at it. Just don't expect an unbiased story when they get back to work. So instead of a page of fluff about cocktails at the latest five-star resort in Queensland, I'm bringing you the ultimate travel guide. A trip around Australia.  All of it. I'll be looking for the best holiday spots, the most interesting people and the coldest beer. No kickbacks, no freebies, just honest travel advice. Best of all, I'm doing it on a shoestring.  This is tightarse travel at its finest. On Friday, I'm flying to Darwin to begin the adventure.  Stage one will be Darwin to Brisbane, via Mt Isa. Join me.