Around Australia by Schooner

In 2008, Mt Isa's mayor picked up some free publicity for putting out a call for ugly chicks to move to his town. Snaggletoothed harridans, he suggested, would be welcome on his patch, as blokes outnumbered the girls five to one, and the hard-drinking miners had the beer goggles on most of the time anyway. After visiting the mining town for the first time, I can tell you this:  the blokes aren't going to be winning any glamour awards anytime soon.  If you're a single female looking for a man, don't come here. In fact, Mt Isa is, in the most gentle terms I can use in a family blog, a shithole. If mineral resources hadn't been found there nearly a century ago, it would probably still be a blot on the map, sometimes passed by travellers on their way to the Red Centre. Instead, it's now a city of more than 25,000. It takes about 18 hours to drive to Mt Isa from Brisbane, or, if coming from the other direction, close to 25 hours from Darwin. That's ...

According Paul Keating, the best way to see Darwin is from 35,000 feet on the way to Paris. I've had a man crush on Keating ever since he called John Howard a slithering maggot, so I thought I'd see if he was right. From what I'd heard, Darwin was full of yobbos and shirtless, shouting drunks.  Not to mention child-eating crocodiles. A bit like Lonely Planet's take on Launceston, except Launceston makes do with monkeys in place of the crocodiles (more on that later). As my Virgin flight (suggested advertising slogan: 'Better than Jetstar') circled the city, I had to concede Keating might be on the money. The ocean, a muddy yellow/green, looked unappealing.  The dirt was red. The trees; stunted and twisted. Not to mention I'd heard Darwin Harbour is full of sharks, crocodiles, stingers, jellyfish, and probably unexploded armaments from the Second World War. To ease in to the local experience, the Darwin Hotel (schooner of Carlton Draught: $6.70)...

Ever wondered who writes most travel stories? I'll tell you. It's journalists who've been given a freebie. Whether it's a week on the Gold Coast or a boat cruise in the Whitsundays, offer it to a journo, and they'll jump at it. Just don't expect an unbiased story when they get back to work. So instead of a page of fluff about cocktails at the latest five-star resort in Queensland, I'm bringing you the ultimate travel guide. A trip around Australia.  All of it. I'll be looking for the best holiday spots, the most interesting people and the coldest beer. No kickbacks, no freebies, just honest travel advice. Best of all, I'm doing it on a shoestring.  This is tightarse travel at its finest. On Friday, I'm flying to Darwin to begin the adventure.  Stage one will be Darwin to Brisbane, via Mt Isa. Join me.