Around Australia by Schooner

I'm a robust sort of individual.  Not much troubles me. But there are certainly some things that make feel a little bit sick inside. Calls from unlisted telephone numbers.  Turf wars between mommy bloggers.  Anybody called Russ. And, of course, tourism experiences describing themselves as 'authentic'. That last one gives me images of gift shops stuffed full of imported trinkets, and museums staffed by sad-faced pensioners wearing period costume.  Not to mention ghost tours, run by sad-faced pensioners wearing period costume. The signs had begun about three hours south of Cairns - 'Visit Charters Towers, Australia's Most Authentic Country Town'.  So I'd been feeling a bit queasy ever since Mission Beach. But this never-ending drive was meant to be the search for the Real Australia.  Surely, I'd find something in Charters Towers? Charters Towers, circa 1904.  Not much has changed, except the road is now sealed.  And we didn't see any...

I got lost today. Those who know me will understand. Usually, it's just a matter of checking a map, apologising to whomever I've dragged along for the ride, and getting back on track. But today was getting lost on a heroic scale. I blame the chick in the Caltex servo. When I asked for directions to Roma, she clicked, grunted, barely looked up from her 'That's Life' magazine, and told me to take the Hughenden Road. Being an idiot, I did. It was hot, and getting hotter; perfect conditions for a breakfast beer. So  half an hour into the drive, I pulled into the carpark of the grandly named Balfe's Creek Hotel Motel. A sign on the door said 'closed'.  For those who miss it, there was another one, saying 'we are not open'. Then a third, in caps lock: 'WE HAVE NO BEER'. So it was back to the road. Around 3 hours later, I started to wonder about Plan A.  We were getting uncomfortably close to Mt Isa, where I didn'...