Three things you must do to become a Grey Nomad.
Here it is: the best way known to join the army of oldies clogging up our highways.
1. Go shopping. Find the largest motorhome or caravan you think you could drive and/or back into a tight parking space, then go for the next size up.
2. Tell all your friends you're off to 'do Australia', then head straight for Hervey Bay. Stay there for at least six months.
3. When you're on the road, stay below 60 km/h, even if the limit is 130 km/h. It's safer that way. Better still, travel in convoy with at least six other Grey Nomads (from now on, I'm calling them Gonads to save typing).
Tip: for extra authenticity, consider changing your names to Brian and Pam.
Actually, most Gonads are lovely people. I count a number of Gonads amongst my closest friends.
Then there are people like Brian from Shepparton, who I met last year at a remote campsite. The Gonads had circled their Winnebago wagons blocking access to the river, so we retaliated by nicking all the firewood.
Showing his best Rotary Vice President leadership skills, Brian marched into our campsite just after the cocktail hour, shouting 'right boys, it's lights out at 7.30'.
Horrified that he thought we might have been One Of Them, we loaded up the bonfire, and stayed awake until the wee hours drinking Tequila and playing Slayer.
When we awoke at the crack of noon, Brian and his phalanx of Gonads were gone, leaving nothing more than a rude note under my windscreen wiper. The cheek of it all.
It was then that I vowed never to become a Gonad.
So for this stage of our trip (Darwin to Brisbane), our selection of vehicle was crucial.
We needed something big enough to cope with long hours on the road, but didn't want to be mistaken for One Of Them.
Our choice? The Toyota LandCruiser. The model with the 10.5 Megatron engine that guzzles diesel at such a planet-crippling rate, it needs refuelling every five hours despite boasting a 120 litre tank.
It came fully fitted out for camping, complete with a 40 litre fridge capable of keeping our Fanta at a constant one degree.
(pic: our wheels, next to Australia's answer to Stonehenge)
Okay, there are shortcuts. Like the absence of central locking, electric windows, seat adjustment or noise insulation. Minor problems, all of them. Did I mention it comes with a 40 litre fridge?
Normally, this masterpiece of under-engineered steel would cost $199 per night to rent.
For us? Five bucks.
How so?
Well, I'm a tightarse. If you are too, go to drivenow.com.au and look for 'relocations'. There you'll find a smorgasbord of campers, motorhomes and 4WDs all needing to be shifted across the country.
You see, most rental companies offer one-way contracts. So at the end of tourist season, they get stuck with a car park full of unwanted rentals. It costs thousands to ship them home by truck, so they bribe people like me with cheap deals.
That's why we paid just $35 to drive our Toyota Tank from Darwin to Brisbane.
The catch?
Yes, there's always a bloody catch.
First up, you don't have a lot of time to get to your destination. You can't, for example, park on a beach somewhere and spend a month fishing, before getting around to dropping the vehicle off.
Actually, you can't park on a beach at all. It's sealed roads all the way, thank you.
You need to put in some big miles each day. If that scares you off, then stick to 6 months parked at Harvey Bay.
And if you think you can cheat, then your cheapie rental is fitted with GPS tracking. Somebody, somewhere, is watching how you look after their $70,000 wheels.
Worst of all is Marvin the Paranoid GPS unit.
Marvin just doesn't know when to shut up. He started off with 'You are exceeding the speed limit', then followed up with 'Aggressive cornering detected. Please stop it.'
Then after a while, he starts worrying about your health.
'Make sure you take a break every two hours'. And 'Don't even think about stopping and getting another Carlton Draught out of the fridge.'
Still, for five bucks a day? I'll put up with him.
Coming up soon.... Our review of Litchfield National Park, and why a month in Kakadu wouldn't be enough.
1. Go shopping. Find the largest motorhome or caravan you think you could drive and/or back into a tight parking space, then go for the next size up.
2. Tell all your friends you're off to 'do Australia', then head straight for Hervey Bay. Stay there for at least six months.
3. When you're on the road, stay below 60 km/h, even if the limit is 130 km/h. It's safer that way. Better still, travel in convoy with at least six other Grey Nomads (from now on, I'm calling them Gonads to save typing).
Tip: for extra authenticity, consider changing your names to Brian and Pam.
Actually, most Gonads are lovely people. I count a number of Gonads amongst my closest friends.
Then there are people like Brian from Shepparton, who I met last year at a remote campsite. The Gonads had circled their Winnebago wagons blocking access to the river, so we retaliated by nicking all the firewood.
Showing his best Rotary Vice President leadership skills, Brian marched into our campsite just after the cocktail hour, shouting 'right boys, it's lights out at 7.30'.
Horrified that he thought we might have been One Of Them, we loaded up the bonfire, and stayed awake until the wee hours drinking Tequila and playing Slayer.
When we awoke at the crack of noon, Brian and his phalanx of Gonads were gone, leaving nothing more than a rude note under my windscreen wiper. The cheek of it all.
It was then that I vowed never to become a Gonad.
So for this stage of our trip (Darwin to Brisbane), our selection of vehicle was crucial.
We needed something big enough to cope with long hours on the road, but didn't want to be mistaken for One Of Them.
Our choice? The Toyota LandCruiser. The model with the 10.5 Megatron engine that guzzles diesel at such a planet-crippling rate, it needs refuelling every five hours despite boasting a 120 litre tank.
It came fully fitted out for camping, complete with a 40 litre fridge capable of keeping our Fanta at a constant one degree.
(pic: our wheels, next to Australia's answer to Stonehenge)
Okay, there are shortcuts. Like the absence of central locking, electric windows, seat adjustment or noise insulation. Minor problems, all of them. Did I mention it comes with a 40 litre fridge?
Normally, this masterpiece of under-engineered steel would cost $199 per night to rent.
For us? Five bucks.
How so?
Well, I'm a tightarse. If you are too, go to drivenow.com.au and look for 'relocations'. There you'll find a smorgasbord of campers, motorhomes and 4WDs all needing to be shifted across the country.
You see, most rental companies offer one-way contracts. So at the end of tourist season, they get stuck with a car park full of unwanted rentals. It costs thousands to ship them home by truck, so they bribe people like me with cheap deals.
That's why we paid just $35 to drive our Toyota Tank from Darwin to Brisbane.
The catch?
Yes, there's always a bloody catch.
First up, you don't have a lot of time to get to your destination. You can't, for example, park on a beach somewhere and spend a month fishing, before getting around to dropping the vehicle off.
Actually, you can't park on a beach at all. It's sealed roads all the way, thank you.
You need to put in some big miles each day. If that scares you off, then stick to 6 months parked at Harvey Bay.
And if you think you can cheat, then your cheapie rental is fitted with GPS tracking. Somebody, somewhere, is watching how you look after their $70,000 wheels.
Worst of all is Marvin the Paranoid GPS unit.
Marvin just doesn't know when to shut up. He started off with 'You are exceeding the speed limit', then followed up with 'Aggressive cornering detected. Please stop it.'
Then after a while, he starts worrying about your health.
'Make sure you take a break every two hours'. And 'Don't even think about stopping and getting another Carlton Draught out of the fridge.'
Still, for five bucks a day? I'll put up with him.
Coming up soon.... Our review of Litchfield National Park, and why a month in Kakadu wouldn't be enough.
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